Pinheart

God,

Is it delusional of me to think that you’re the only one who understands me?

I feel so empty, and when I pray, it's embarrassing begging for the impossible. So instead, I curl up and pretend I’m in the palm of your hand, a fantasy of an artificial sense of warmth and love, which I think is the only way I’ll ever reach it because what I really want is unattainable. Each night I pray harder, so you just put me to sleep. Is that the only time I’ll feel whole, if I dream?

It's my unrealistic expectations, isn't it? To be loved solely without them having to remove their eyes but going with their temptations is always a better option when it comes to me. Am I that hard to love, that their eyes wander away from me so easily? Devotion isn't something I should have to be pleading on the floor for. Do I have a label above my head that says ‘dog’? The way they treat me so cruelly makes me think I deserve it when it happens so often.

Why can’t I see beforehand their true intentions, so I don’t grow attached, or is crushing my heart part of it? It feels tattered now like every ping was a needle they pushed into it. Instead of Pinhead, it's pinheart. Some nights it stung so much that the weight of it would make me hold myself a bit tighter. Maybe you know how it feels to carry a rotting organ inside of you. How it incapacitates me and my glass heart with a mere thought, so you don’t expose me to it again, kind love.

I want to be loved unconditionally so badly, but isn't that selfish of me? To be wanted, heard, to have hands to hold me, and a love so pure they can’t bear to break it. Even if they did damage it and it ends up on the floor, they’d take the time to help me piece and hold it back together. Patience and understanding, even when I can’t find my words. Who would be fine with eternal silence if I never find them?

I beg you again even though I know it’s too late, that you can’t control time. You show me with each passing day, how my heart goes on beating even if it feels like the end of the world.

“Maybe in another universe,” but it’s still not mine. how selfish…

*I wrote this in personal journal, so cringe... but I tell myself "Human emotions, we all experience human emotions" The embarrassment of expressing your yearning...

**I've been using a different paint app (ᵔ⩊ᵔ) I know the images aren't perfect, but I had to do them within an hour b/c that's how long they allow you to use the free version...

maybe I'll write something new soon? idk I have to see...