Hunger

It wasn’t hunger, but it mainly lingered deep in the pit of my stomach. I'd feel it every night, and every night I yearned to be purged of the vacant space I couldn’t fill. I wanted my fingers to turn to razors and slice at my sides so that at least one of those openings could free the emptiness I felt inside, but to no avail, I remained the uncut slab of meat.

I could eat the entire contents of the fridge, including the metal, plastic, and foam holding it together, and it still wouldn’t be enough. It was as if it were ingrained into my flesh, so no matter how much I picked and peeled away at my stomach lining, it remained.

How long would I have to endure this? It was like my own personal hell, but here on earth. Inescapable unless I hid in the crevice of your neck, but even then, I felt selfish. What if I clung to you so hard I would break or suffocate you?

I’d be forced to face myself and mend my own mutilated body, cowering in the corner like a dog licking its wounds. Bleeding my hurt onto everything. I’m once again left where I started, hollow and empty, like the living dead. Mindlessly staggering to wherever my limbs could take me, with an endless longing to fill the hunger.

*I wrote this on August 19, 2024. I started taking meds for my depression and anxiety after this. The relationship I was in at the time made me really empty, and suicidal... I broke up with him by the end of the year, and I didn't cry, only for me. I do feel love, and I can give it, but like I told him year after year, I had nothing left to give, that I stopped loving him years ago when I caught him, but due to comfort, I gave him another chance because he was all I "knew" and "had". I started to read self-help books and shared the parts that I couldn't put into words to him. It didn't matter to him; I didn't matter to him. I didn't want to settle for someone who didn't see me, who didn't love me, who couldn't even bother to understand me, because I know now that I don't deserve whatever that was. I feel, I'm human and I want to be treated like one.

**Sorry, this is so long but it helps explain why most of my previous stuff is dark? (2019-2024) I'll stop here for now because then I'll need to edit more bc it'll be too long lol

"People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can't believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first."

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

This book was truly my only comfort at the time...